Saturday, 9 June 2012
By StarSong Bright – Owner of the Velvet Thorn Femdom in SL
The taboos we learn through our childhood and adolescence can be very inhibiting. Many people carry a great deal of shame and fear mixed up in their kinks and fetishes. Second Life allows us to shine a bright light into those dark places. The level of anonymity, safety and our virtual representations/avatars give us a way to explore the parts of ourselves that we might simply never try in real life.
Do not be afraid to have a good long look at what turns you on. Try to set that “internal judgment voice” off and allow yourself to examine the things that make you weak in the knees. Avoid labels and stereotypes where possible. The labels are necessary to discuss things, but it is important to separate the labels from ourselves and not fall into believing that we must be this way or that because of X label. We are individuals, with kinks. Everyone has kinks, not everyone can face them or wants to, and that is their choice of course.
Oftentimes, to make peace with our dirty little kink secrets, we need to take them from that dark place we hide them and hold them up, turn them over in our hands and figure out where they originated and what we get from them. Fetishes are often created out of things that happen to us as children and can have had profound effects on us growing up. Some of the most common are things like boys being fascinated and perhaps wanting to dress up with women’s lingerie or makeup. In western society the taboo against this can make those items exciting and forbidden. That said, these are incredibly common among westernized men to fetishize these items, and these fetishes do NOT automatically indicate some of the more hurtful labels such as homosexual or transsexual.
There is no one way a fetish is created; they are as individual as the people who carry them. For some boys they may have fond memories of being young enough to walk around in their Mommies’ high heels and make her laugh and nobody saying anything about it. Or perhaps they have fond memories of a sister or cousin playing dress up with them. Or perhaps they got a thrill out of imagining what it was like to be female. Perhaps just enjoyed the adrenalin rush of getting away with trying on some female garment when nobody was home or might come back at any moment. The reasons for any given fetish can be many and varied.
The first year I was in SL I would make the men I met tell me a fantasy, something that turned them on. I found the variety fascinating and developed a quite a few theories about fetishes and kinks. Of course, everything in this document SHOULD be taken as “one woman’s opinion,” because your mileage may vary!
I once had a gentleman in SL tell me about his fetish for enemas. I remember wrinkling my nose at the idea but I asked him about it anyways, curious how one develops such a fetish. Well it turns out when he was nine or ten he was having problems and his mom and his busty aunt held him down and gave him an enema to deal with it. Somewhere along the way, the powerlessness of that situation, the powerful caring female figures holding him down and doing something for his own good solidified into what grew into a full-blown fetish.
As we discussed it, he considered some of his other fetishes, many stemming from the same emotional place, wanting to be controlled by a strong woman who would take care of him and force him into a submissive position. As we turned the scenario and looked at what had created it, he was able to see other avenues to the feeling he was seeking and how many of his fetishes came back to the same place. He was able to let go of a bit of the baggage of “that is such an odd thing to want!” that he had been weighing himself down with.
From some of the stories and anecdotes I have heard over the years I have a few personal theories. Spankings are one of the more common fetishes in both sexes. For many a spanking harkens back to when life was simple and we were small and whatever infraction we had committed could be wiped away by a caring parent or caretaker giving us a good butt reddening and a trip to timeout land in our bedroom. Whether it comes from that, or simply the chemicals released in our brains as we are struck, it is a very common fetish – this desire to be spanked.
It appears that a heavy conscience can often send people on the hunt for someone to absolve them with a good spanking or other such pain-making practice. But then, as Freud said “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar,” and a person can simply enjoy feeling the burn. There is no one size fits all explanation for any of this, only the individual can see the origins and the needs being met by any particular kink.
SL gives you a place to work through what makes you tick, and find ways to scratch those little itches. You will find most kinks in the world represented somewhere in SL. Do not be afraid to stare your kinks straight in the face and get to know them, they are a part of you, and nothing to be ashamed of in the end. The better you understand them, the easier they are to live with, and some are just downright fun! Live a little!